


I Need You - I Love You

by Spinafex



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic Dean Winchester, Asexual Castiel (Supernatural), Castiel Whump (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, F/M, M/M, Multi, Queerplatonic Relationships, Soul Bond, Supportive Sam Winchester, Team Free Will (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:42:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27669047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spinafex/pseuds/Spinafex
Summary: Post 15 x 19After Jack restores the universe, Sam is reunited with Eileen.Dealing with the aftermath of Castiel’s revelation and death, Dean realizes he will never be happy without his family intact.  With the support of Eileen and Sam, Dean focuses on rescuing Cas and contemplates what comes next.Meanwhile, the Empty refuses to let Castiel sleep.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Rowena MacLeod & Sam Winchester
Comments: 78
Kudos: 75





	1. Eileen

The oil black sludge of the Empty released its hold on Castiel.

“Hello, Clarence.”

Castiel spun around to see the Shadow lounging on their throne in Meg’s form. “Why am I not asleep?” he asked.

The Shadow raised their eyebrows, “Sleep? That son of yours came here and ruined my peace.” They rose from their throne, striding towards Castiel. “Angels, Demons. They’re all waking up and the Empty will never be quiet again! So, I’m going to have some fun.” The Shadow clenched their fist, and Castiel fell to the ground writhing in pain.

***

Dean pulled up to the curb in front of Eileen’s home. Sam opening his door and climbing out before the car had stopped.

Sam dashed up the path and rang the doorbell, knowing that lights would flash within the house. After a few tense seconds that felt like an eternity, the front door opened.

“Sam!” Eileen laughed, rushing into Sam’s arms.

Dean stepped out of the car and watched Sam and Eileen embrace on the porch, a soft smile on his face as he saw his brother finally happy. His thoughts drifted to everyone that had been taken and restored in the past few days, and those still lost. Dean walked up the path to join Sam and Eileen.

Dean cleared his throat and Sam and Eileen stepped apart, “Hi, Eileen.”

Eileen smiled “Hi, Dean.” She turned to Sam, “What happened? I remember texting you and coming out to my car that night, and then suddenly it was a sunny afternoon.”

Sam handed Eileen her phone, “Long story, but everyone was killed, and then Jack brought everyone back.” He paused; he knew Eileen had doubts about their relationship because of Chuck. But now that Chuck wasn’t writing the story, perhaps things could change. “Chuck no longer controls our lives.”

Eileen stared at Sam, thinking over what he had said, then grinned. “Sam, would you like to go on a date?”

Sam’s face lit up. “Yes,” he said, elated.

“I plan on hearing the whole story regarding what happened,” Eileen asserted.

Sam nodded in agreement, and took Eileen's hand, "I'll tell you everything."

Dean faced Eileen and jerked his head towards her red car, “Think you and my brother can meet me back at the bunker in a few days?”

Eileen grinned, “Sure.”

Dean nodded and slapped Sam on the back, “Enjoy the honeymoon,” he snarked.

Sam rolled his eyes, “Jerk.”

“Bitch.”

***

Three days later, Sam and Eileen arrived at the bunker. The war room table was strewn with empty beer bottles, beef jerky bags, and an open pizza box. Sam’s eyes flitted around the room, “Dean?”

Sam and Eileen walked down the steps and made their way to the library. Open lore books were spread out over every available surface. On the second table, a laptop was open, a notebook filled with Dean’s messy scrawl next to it. Across from the laptop, an army green jacket with a handprint on its shoulder was draped over a chair.

“Dean?” Sam called again.

“Down here!”

Sam and Eileen found Dean in a storage room, rummaging through spell ingredients. Dean glanced up, then continued sorting through boxes. “Heya, Sammy. Eileen.”

Sam assessed Dean, his brother wore the same clothes he’d worn three days ago, his hair was a mess, and his eyes were red. Sam was certain he knew what this was about, and fanatical research was way better than finding Dean passed out again surrounded by bottles. However, the fact Dean was voluntarily researching to begin with set off alarm bells. Therefore, best to feign ignorance. “Hi, Dean. What’s the case?”

Dean stood and faced Sam.

“We’re going to get Cas back.”


	2. Confiding in Sam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I wasn't planning on posting this until Wednesday, but I have had 1 comment, 6 kudos, 1 bookmark, and 4 subscriptions in the past 24 hours. Thank you all! I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> Content Warning - Dean mentions he thinks he is broken, nothing worse than typical canon, just wanted to let you know.

  
Castiel gasped as the Shadow released their hold on him.

Turning away, the Shadow sat down, leaning against the left arm of the throne. “As fun as it is to make each of your organs fail, Clarence,” the Shadow said as their nose crinkled, “let’s mix it up.” Meg’s form melted into the black writhing mass of the Shadow, and reconstructed itself into a bearded man with a guitar. 

“Watching someone being physically tortured is only an interesting viewing experience for so long.” Chuck’s voice echoed through the Empty. “Castiel, angel of the lord, believing in me right up until I betrayed you.” The Shadow strummed the guitar. “You were never supposed to be a major character in this story,” they rolled their eyes, “but the fans always bitched when I wrote you out.” The Shadow gave a wide grin, “Now though, you’re out for good, and I’m going to tell you exactly how you ruined my story.”

Castiel looked up at the face of the God he had believed in for so long, even after discovering He would not help with the apocalypse. He thought of his time on earth, his family, Dean…

“Bite me.” He growled in defiance.

***

Silence.

Sam swallowed, “Dean,” he said gently, “No human has ever been able to access the Empty. No angel left will help us, and Jack proclaimed he won’t interfere.” Sam’s voice became stern, “And don’t you _dare_ think about making a deal.”

“Sam –” Dean started, then turned, running his hands through his hair.

Eileen turned to Sam and signed, ‘I am going to give you both space.’ 

Sam nodded and signed, ‘Thank you.’ Eileen smiled and left.

Dean sat on the floor, leaning against the end of a bookcase. Sam strode over and sat against a crate opposite Dean. “Dean, I know – “

“No Sam, you don’t. Not this time.”

Sam’s forehead furrowed, “Okay, explain it to me.”

Dean took a deep breath, “Eileen. When you see her you know you’re in love, right? Emotions going haywire, the world revolves around her and all that chick flick crap.” He paused, but Sam didn’t say anything, just nodded and waited for Dean to continue. Dean swallowed, “Well, I don’t feel that, never have. I have had people I care about, people I am protective of, and people I love. But I have never been in love. The closest I’ve come is finding someone I can’t live without, who’s company I enjoy every minute of, and someone I will never abandon.”

“Cas…”

Dean nodded.

Sam processed this, then asked, “Dean, what happened when you and Cas tried to take on Billie?”

Dean’s eyes glazed, lost in memory, “We ended up trapped in the dungeon. Cas painted a sigil on the door to hold her off, but it was only a matter of time before she broke through.” Dean looked down at his hands, “Then Cas started to talk, he had made a deal with the Empty when we were trying to resurrect Jack. A life for a life.” Dean’s voice turned brittle, “When he experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would take him. So…to save me, he said…he said…”

“He said he loves you,” Sam murmured.

Dean’s eyes quickly met Sam’s in shock, “You…knew?”

Sam nodded, “Dean, I’ve been around the two of you for twelve years. I had my suspicions, but figured it wasn’t something I should interfere with.” Sam shrugged, “That, and if I did say anything you would have denied it.”

Dean looked down again, “Yeah, well. Cas died because he was in love with me. How is that right? Cas, an angel, in love with a broken human who can’t even return his feelings. I need to save him, I can handle him realizing I’m broken when he gets back, but there is no way in hell I’m letting him rot in the Empty.”

“You think he’d abandon you because you’re aromantic?” Sam asked, “Dean, he has always returned to you.”

“Sammy, I can’t fall in love, I’m straight, and I’m the reason he fell. He told me that I’m the reason he cared about humanity! If it wasn’t for me he would still have his wings, his angelic family – not that those winged dicks ever deserved to call him family – and he wouldn’t be dead!”

Sam took a deep breath, “For starters, you’re an idiot. Secondly, you love, even if it's not romantic love, and I bet Cas knows that. As for being straight, I’m fairly certain Cas is asexual.”

“What?”

“Asexual, someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction, similar to how you don’t experience romantic attraction. Seriously, man? You never noticed how Cas has zero interest in flirting?”

“I figured it was a human thing he didn’t get.”

“Yeah, absolutely sure you’re an idiot,” Sam smiled. “It’s not unheard of for aromatics and asexuals to be in a relationship. It’s called a queerplatonic relationship, meaning it is emotionally stronger than a traditional friendship and doesn’t fit the parameters of an alloromantic allosexual relationship.”

“Stop sounding like you swallowed a dictionary.”

Sam ignored Dean and continued, “As for blaming yourself for the tragedies that have befallen Cas. Do you hate him for releasing the Leviathan, nearly killing you in the crypt, or freeing Lucifer?”

“Of course not!”

“Then why are you so convinced Cas will abandon you when you won’t abandon him?”

Dean was silent, but Sam could tell Dean was accepting what he had said. Sam grinned, “Come on, time to save our family.” 

Dean looked up, “Yeah, let’s do this.”


	3. Every Grain of Sand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Brief mention of prior canonical depression

“Even during the fight with Amara, you didn’t get the message.” Chuck’s form said, “Didn’t it occur to you that, having all the powers of creation, a snap of my fingers and a new vessel for Lucifer would instantly appear? And then,” the Shadow chortled, “after Lucifer left your vessel, I didn’t even acknowledge you!”

“Vessels have always begun as humans, Shadow. My sacrifice was necessary to defeat Amara.” Castiel had heard enough. He was unable to move from where he had fallen as time slowly passed. The Shadow had held a continuous monologue detailing Castiel’s mistakes and how pathetic his faith in his father had been.

“Right, you don’t know, do you? While I cannot go to Earth unless summoned, I can watch. When I came to collect you and Death, Chuck released Lucifer. Housing him in a replica of his favorite vessel.” The Shadow smirked, “Well, second favorite, but two Sams would have been confusing. No human possession required.”

Castiel scowled, “There is no point in continuing your taunts. I accepted Chuck’s true nature after he murdered Jack.”

“Maybe later, I’ll show you how Lucifer messed with your family’s emotions, it was quite the show.”

Castiel was silent, looking down into the black nothingness below him.

The Shadow stood and clapped their hands. “Hey! It looks like we’re finally getting somewhere!” they crowed, delighted. “Time for the real fun to begin!”

Castiel heard the dribbling, rippling sound of the Shadow changing forms. He would get through this. Eventually, the Shadow would become bored and he would be put to sleep for eternity.

Heavy footsteps walked towards him and leather work boots entered his line of sight.

“Morning, Sunshine.”

***

Eileen was sitting in one of the leather armchairs when Sam walked into the library. She watched as he strode over to her reading nook and sat in the chair beside her. ‘Everything ok?’ she signed.

‘It will be,’ Sam replied, ‘Dean will be here shortly, he is finding ingredients for a spell.’

Eileen thought about that, ‘Anything you want to share about what is going on?’ Eileen needed to know what was happening if she was going to be part of this family. However, she also realized that Sam had just had a brother to brother conversation that Dean may not want to be shared.

Sam sighed, ‘Dean is processing how much Cas means to him, and he is dealing with it by focusing on a mission to save Cas from the Empty.’

‘Can Castiel be rescued?’

‘I don’t know. Jack was able to do it before, and Chuck brought Lucifer back. But that is divine power.” Sam’s brows drew together as he signed, ‘I’m worried, last time Dean lost Cas…’ he looked at Eileen, ‘it was bad. When Dean wasn’t solely focused on a case, he drank.’ Sam looked up at the ceiling, and Eileen saw his eyes glisten as he held back tears. ‘Eventually, he lost the will to live.’

Eileen took Sam’s hand, and he met her gaze. Eileen stated, “We will save Castiel. And your brother.”

Sam took a deep breath and nodded.

***

Dean walked in from the hall carrying a bronze bowl and a bag filled with various ingredients for a spell. “Alright, according to the Men of Letter’s records, this spell, discovered by the Judah Initiative, will open a door to the Empty. They were never able to test it because it requires something touched by God to activate it.” He used his free hand to clear space on the table and began laying out the items he had brought up from storage.

Sam and Eileen rose from their chairs and joined Dean around the table. Sam’s face scrunched as he considered this first impossibility. “Dean, how do you plan on finding a God-touched relic? We can’t exactly time travel anymore.” 

Dean raised an eyebrow, “Actually, we don’t need to. Jack said that he is in everything: rain and dust, sand and sea. As he is now God that means everything is touched by God. Even so, I took a road trip yesterday.” Dean held up a vial of sand, “The power of two Gods was released on that beach, any power Jack didn’t take in would have been absorbed by the surrounding environment.”

Sam’s face brightened as understanding dawned, “Like residual radiation after a nuclear blast.”

Dean’s brows drew together as he frowned, “Uh, sure.”

Eileen stepped forward, “If the spell works, how will you be able to find Castiel? It’s an entire dimension to search.”

Dean’s face fell, “I’m still working on that part.”

Sam straightened, “It’s fine, you managed to find a way to get there, now we just need to find a navigation system that will work once we are in the Empty. Something to lead us to Cas and then get us all back to earth.” He picked up his phone, “I’m going to call Rowena.”


	4. The Queen

Sam entered the war room and dialed Rowena’s number. 

“Hello, Samuel. What trouble have you boys gotten yourselves into this time?”

Sam ignored her haughty tone and asked, “What do you know about the Empty?”

“It’s where demons and angels go when they die, and the entity that rules there finds your little tweety bird annoying.” Rowena sighed, “Why?”

“Dean and I need a way to track someone after we enter a rift to the Empty.” Sam explained.

Dean entered the war room and gestured for Sam to let him join the conversation. Sam hit the speaker button and placed the phone on the table. 

“You’ve lost Castiel.” Rowena stated, “That’s the only reason even you two would be mad enough to go to that desolate abyss.”

Dean scowled, “Our reasons don’t matter, we just need you to get up here and help.”

The line was silent for a moment. “Dear, I am the _Queen_ of Hell. I don’t come to you, you come to me. Samuel, come through the entrance at my son’s old throne room. Then we shall discuss terms. Dean is not invited.”

“Hell no!” Dean countered.

“Dean, sometimes to get what you want requires elegance and tact. Two skills you lack.” Rowena stated, “Samuel will be perfectly fine; all my subjects know you are both under my protection.”

Sam looked at Dean and signaled he was going, alone.

Dean seethed, “Fine! You best keep your word.”

Sam turned his attention back to the phone, “I’ll be there in an hour.”

***

Sam returned to the war room, gear in hand, to find Dean and Eileen conversing. As he entered, Eileen turned to him, “I’m coming.”

Dean nodded, “It’s a good call. Friend of the queen or not, you’re going to Hell. A skilled hunter watching your back is a good idea.”

Sam paused, then nodded. “Alright.”

***

Castiel swallowed, then lifted his head.

Dean looked down at him, his face distorted into a twisted grimace. “Remember the first time we met, Castiel?” The Shadow said with glee, voice pitched slightly higher than Dean’s, “I told you, ‘I know who you love, what you fear’ and I remember everything I learned when I walked through your mind. You feared Dean’s reaction if he discovered you loved him, but you still had a pathetic glimmer of hope, didn’t you? That hope is what kept you from returning to sleep.

“You could have become a fond memory if you had just slept. Yet when you returned, you remained a constant disappointment, didn’t you? You screwed up so badly that the man you have sacrificed everything for told you, ‘You’re dead to me.’”

Castiel struggled against the invisible force holding him in place. The Shadow smiled and snapped their fingers. Castiel fell back, scrambling away from the visage of Dean.

The Shadow walked forward with slow confident steps, a hunter knowing its prey is trapped. “If you hadn’t sacrificed yourself, what do you think would have happened, hmm? Eventually, your deep, dark secret would have been revealed; not everyone was as oblivious as Dean. Judging by how Dean’s last words to you were, ‘Don’t do this, Cas.’ he clearly didn’t want to hear that you loved him.” The Shadow snapped their fingers again and slick obsidian walls formed around them.

Castiel hit the wall, trapped again. He stood to face the Shadow, his back to the wall.

The Shadow’s voice changed in pitch, matching Dean’s voice, “I don’t love you, Cas. I can’t even bear to look at you!” Castiel turned away, following the wall, stumbling as he searched for a way to escape.

The Shadow followed. “Castiel, the angel who is always cast out, abandoned. The only constant in your life has been solitude and tears.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes : I think Cas is one of the strongest characters in the series. For his reactions with the Empty in this and following chapters, I am looking to his reactions in season 11, stuck in the middle with you, and the big empty. Cas has self-doubt and past depression, and right now he is being psychologically tortured by an entity that has read his mind and is using the face and voice of the one he loves the most. It's traumatic, the fact he is fighting and looking to escape is an accomplishment.


	5. Go to Hell (Again)

The Shadow smirked as they watched Castiel walk along the perimeter of the room, searching for a way out. “Hey, buddy,” they said with Dean’s voice, “How could you think I would care for something as broken as you?” The Shadow strode back to their throne, sitting imperiously and summoning a Kentucky bourbon.

“When I fight to save the world, I actually save lives. Every freelance attempt you made ended in destruction. Then again, the idea that a monster is capable of saving people is hilarious.”

Castiel froze.

“That’s all you are to me,” Castiel heard Dean’s voice call behind him, “A monster that has its uses, like Crowley. Your abilities outweigh the threat you pose to humanity.”

“I am _not_ a threat to humanity.”

Eyebrows rose, “Certain of that?” the Shadow quipped. “May, Jimmy, Claire. The whole god episode, clearly. How many humans have suffered because of your actions?”

Castiel turned to face the Shadow, “Those are my greatest regrets,” he said, voice strained, “but I have always done my best to protect humanity. Even before I broke free of heaven’s influence.” Castiel took a deep breath, “I was repeatedly reprogrammed every time I chose humans over heaven’s mandates. Since I left, fragments of memories have returned. I now know that I was the angel who stopped Abraham from killing Isaac, I fought against the orders to kill the firstborns in Egypt, and I stood with Mary as she watched her son die at Golgotha when the rest of the host returned to Heaven.”

Castiel raised his chin high, “Heaven and Chuck believe that I am broken because I don’t do what I am told, but that’s not correct. I am broken because I am the only angel capable of love.”

“Impressive defense,” the Shadow, “but are you actually so misguided to believe your precious humans would ever accept you as one of them? To them, you are just another monster, Castiel.”

“Dean and Sam have never seen me as a monster. Different, certainly, and a threat at times. But never a monster. They are my family.”

***

Two demons escorted Eileen and Sam into Rowena’s throne room. Eileen's eyes surveyed the room, calculating potential threats and exit routes. Sam quickly scanned the room and then approached the dais. “Rowena.” he acknowledged, nodding at the queen sitting regally upon her serpent throne.

“Samuel, welcome to my humble domain.” Rowena proclaimed, smiling. She turned her attention to Eileen, appraising her. “Ach, have you no manners, Samuel? Introductions?”

“This –“

Eileen stepped forward confidently, though her eyes remained wary, “Eileen Leahy. Hunter specializing in banshees.”

Rowena rose, and walked down to Eileen, “Interesting, and how are you connected to the Winchesters?”

“Sam is my boyfriend.”

“Hmm…” Rowena raised an eyebrow, continuing to assess Eileen before returning to sit on her throne. Rowena nodded to Eileen, “You’ll do,” she drawled. Rowena turned her attention to Sam. “Now, care to tell me why this hare-brained scheme of yours has any chance of success?”

Rowena gestured to the chairs before her throne, and Sam and Eileen sat. “Dean has found a spell that will open a rift to the Empty,” Sam explained. Rowena raised an eyebrow, moderately impressed. “However,” Sam continued, “Once we have entered the rift, we would have no way to find Cas. From what he said about his first time there, the Empty is just endless nothing. We would have no way to orient ourselves or any resources to help us locate Cas.”

“And the all-powerful entity that rules there?” Rowena asked, “How do you boys expect to defeat something that isn’t alive to begin with?”

Sam winced, “We hope that it has fallen asleep now that Death and Chuck are defeated.”

“Darlin’, I think you’ll have to do a wee bit better than that.”

Sam nodded, “We know, but sources on the Empty are so rare they are practically non-existent, and the only source that actually saw the Shadow was Cas.”

Rowena pondered, “Well, I can only provide you a lead regarding a way to navigate a realm of nothing. However, I may have a solution to prevent you boys from being discovered.”

Sam leaned forward, “Great! How?”

Rowena hesitated, “Now, Samuel, before you react, remember you are in my dominion and I can have you cast out without uttering a word.”

Sam and Eileen both went rigid. Sam took a deep breathe, “What have you been doing?”

“Truly, it's nothing you needed to be concerned about.” Rowena scoffed, her hand making a dismissive gesture. “I’ve merely been capturing humans.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's notes : So, as some of you probably know, Cas was based on the angel Cassiel in Abrahamic lore. Cassiel is the Angel of Solitude and Tears, referenced at the end of Chapter 4, and presides over the death of kings. I wrote Cas standing with Mary at Golgotha as Jesus died on the Cross as a nod to this. One of Jesus' titles is King of kings. Cassiel is also the angel of temperance, which just makes me smile and think of Cas drinking a liqueur store. 😂


	6. Terms

“Capturing…humans,” Sam said slowly, voice low and dangerous.

“Ach, they’re not worth your concern,” Rowena remarked. “I’ve merely been having my demons collect humans with souls destined for Hell. They’re still alive. Think of it as long-term storage.”

“Why?” Eileen queried.

Rowena addressed Eileen, “The humans I have collected have all taken multiple lives containing souls destined for heaven. By murdering these people prematurely, Hell has lost the opportunity to gain their souls through deals, sin, etcetera.” 

Eileen sat up straighter in surprise, whilst Sam tried to suppress a smile.

“What?” Rowena said haughtily, “Souls are extremely valuable, I can’t have some lunatics ruining my long-term investment strategy.” She paused, then gave a conspiratorial wink. “Actually, Castiel and your boy discovered our most recent inmate. I had one of my demons intercept her before she was taken into custody.”

“You’re imprisoning serial killers until they die, remaining in Hell for all eternity.” Sam shrugged, “How does this relate to the Empty?”

Rowena stuck her nose into the air, and look to the side, “I thought I might give them a chance at freedom.” she said imperiously. “There are people in the Empty I would like recovered, dear Fergus of course, and others that may be useful. Each human would be given a target to recover, if they return with their assigned person before the rift closes, they walk free. If not, well…” Rowena made a dismissive gesture.

Sam pondered this proposal, “Multiple humans in the Empty would provide a distraction since we would be anomalies there. When the Shadow senses our presence, they would have multiple signals to chase down.” Sam nodded in agreement, “We would have a higher chance of recovering Cas without being discovered.”

“See Samuel? You get a heartwarming family reunion, I gain some assets, and everyone wins.”

Sam frowned, “Cas has a body that was taken into the Empty with him, anyone else recovered would require a vessel.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Rowena said, “Angels and demons don’t need vessels in Heaven and Hell. You’ll merely see smoke or light exiting the rift before it descends or ascends to their respective realms.”

“You want to rescue angels?”

Rowena rolled her eyes, “I’m already helping you save one, aren’t I? Besides, Gabriel knows how to attend to a lady.” Rowena said knowingly.

Eileen narrowed her eyes, “You can guarantee that the demons recovered would not come to Earth?”

“Eileen,” Rowena said, “I want these people alive. Why would I risk them dying on the end of your knife?” She signaled to an attending demon by the door. “Why don’t we discuss the terms of our arrangement over drinks?”

The demon delivered three crystal glasses of single malt whisky.

Rowena toasted “Sláite!” and drank.

Eileen and Sam raised their glasses in reply.

“What is the lead you alluded to that would allow us to find Cas?”

Rowena smiled, “What do you know of souls?”

***

Dean slammed the book closed. Resting his elbows on the library table, he held his head and closed his eyes. This wasn’t working, he had scoured every book on occult locator spells he could find, and they were all limited to Earth.

Standing, Dean headed to the kitchen. Grabbing a beer from the fridge, he leant against the island and drank.

He had to rescue Cas, failing was just inconceivable. Dean took another gulp of beer. Sam and Eileen were consulting Rowena, looking for solutions, and he was here, achieving nothing. 

Tilting the bottle back and forth with his wrist, Dean pondered. What if they were successful? No. _When_ they were successful, what then? 

He’d have Cas back. A slight smile crossed his face. Then what? Cas has told him he loved him. _Loved him_. In a manner that was clearly romantic. Cas had described how Dean was wrong about how he saw himself, that he wasn’t destructive, angry and broken, that he did everything for love. _You’re the most caring man on earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know_.

If Cas returned, would he leave when he realized that Dean couldn’t return his feelings? He needed Cas. His family was Sam, Cas and Jack. He wouldn’t survive losing Cas again. Hell, the only reason he isn’t surrounded by bottles right now is because he has a mission: save Castiel. He wouldn’t blame Cas for leaving. Dean shook his head. No, it was remarkable that Cas had stayed around as long as he did. Cas deserved so much better.

Dean looked at the beer in his hand. What if Cas stayed? Could Dean give Cas what he wanted, and thought he could never have? He couldn’t feel romantic attraction, but could he be something other than a best friend?

He thought of all those romantic labels: boyfriend, lover, _husband_.

He cringed. All of those were so steeped in ceremony and structure and just…ugh.

Life partner, significant other. Those were…well, they weren’t awful. They implied trust and having someone who was always there for you. His eyebrows rose, it actually sounded like him and Cas.

However, what would Cas need? Would _partner_ work for him, and what about romantic expectations?

Dean set the beer down. He would have to figure out how to respond to Cas’ declaration before they met again.

He walked back into the library and opened his computer. _Asexuality queerplatonic relationship_ , he googled. He clicked the link that said AVEN – The Asexual Visibility and Education Network. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AVEN is a good introductory resource to asexuality if you are interested: https://www.asexuality.org/  
> There is also the book, The Invisible Orientation by Julie Sondra Decker.


	7. Shadow Play

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Derisive comments made regarding asexuality.

The Shadow’s hand moved in a sharp, sweeping gesture and Castiel was dragged back to the throne. Another snap of their fingers and the walls around them melted away.

“Dean Winchester,” the Empty mused, swirling the bourbon they held, “Okay Castiel, we are going to play a little game.”

Castiel glared at the Shadow, “I am done being your entertainment. Let me sleep.”

The Shadow rolled Dean’s eyes, “As I told you in the beginning, this is all your fault. So, you will be awake for as long as I want you to be.” They bared their teeth in a twisted grin, “Consider this your reprieve, we are going to discuss what would happen if I sent you back to Earth.”

Castiel studied the Shadow, dread seeping through him. “You despise me too much for that to happen, there is no point in extrapolating the consequences of returning.”

“Of course there is.” The Shadow leered, “Hypothetically, I’ve returned you to your favorite wayward soul. Dean embraces you and says he loves you. Chuck is defeated. Team Free Will is happily reunited and living together in that underground bunker of yours. Peace, at last, you can spend your days with your family.”

It was a daydream that Castiel’s heart couldn’t help longing for, and his eyes lost focus as he pictured that wonderful future.

A dark smile appeared on the Shadow’s face; Dean’s green eyes were alight with foreseen triumph. “And then your life begins to fall apart as Dean realizes you can never be what he needs.”

Castiel’s face fell. Then he stood straight and said, “If I had a chance at what I want, something I know I couldn’t have. I would always be there for Dean. He is the best part of my life and I can be what he needs.”

“Could you though?” queried the Shadow, their voice dropping back to mimic Dean’s tone. “Last I checked Cas, I enjoy sex, a lot.” The Shadow's face transformed into a mocking facsimile of pity. “Even if you were still able to change your vessel to better accommodate Dean’s interests, don’t you have…reservations, about sex?”

Cas shifted, discomfort showing on his face, “I’ve, managed, before.”

“Ah, yes. The reaper.” The Shadow stood and began to circle around Castiel, voice returning to it’s mocking tone. “Poor, weak little human Castiel, out in the cold rain in a world that no longer made sense. How many abilities and senses did you lose, hmm? Trapped in a body that now required maintenance like food, sleep, and warmth. Castiel, warrior of God, once the leader of the heavenly garrison that broke into Hell, reduced to sleeping under bridges and scrounging through trash cans.

“The one thought keeping you together was making it to your little adopted human family. You were certain that they would guide you through the overwhelming change.” Dean’s form stopped in front of Castiel. “Then, a kind woman offers you food and shelter. It must have been the first time you experienced what humans think of as a miracle.”

Castiel looked away from Dean’s face. “Pathetic, really,” continued the Shadow, “how you wanted to thank her for her generosity. Therefore, when April advanced on you, you assumed it was just another confusing part of being human.” The Shadow laughed, “Then comes my favorite part, the next day, she tortures and kills you.”

Castiel looked up, glaring at the Shadow, “What matters is Dean saved me, I mattered.”

Dean’s voice replied, “Oh yeah, and in less than twenty-four hours I cast you out. As I said, Cas, you were only kept because you were useful. As a human, you weren’t worth having around.”

“He was threatened; he had to choose between his dying brother and me! He thought I would be able to handle being human!”

The Shadow smirked, voice returning to its higher pitch, “My point stands, do you know the human expectations of a romantic relationship? Do you really think you could repeatedly endure an act you find unpalatable?”

Castiel shifted, looking away.

“Even if you did manage to meet Dean’s needs for a while, how long do you think it would take for him to realize the enjoyment of the act wasn’t reciprocated, hmm?”

Castiel returned his attention to the Shadow, “It would be fine,” he swallowed, then continued, “It would be Dean, I could learn to enjoy it.” Castiel grappled for evidence, “Gabriel and Balthazar both sought out intercourse and found pleasure in it.”

The Shadow laughed, “Come on, Castiel. We both know this isn’t an angelic characteristic, it’s a flaw that you and you alone have. During your time on earth, you have noticed how humans, and angels, found men and women sexually attractive. Dean even believed he was helping you with all his ‘teachable moments’ on how to score.”

A leer appeared on Dean’s face, “When he realized you were a virgin, he immediately assumed you would want to change that status. Never questioned why you were so uncomfortable at the ‘den of iniquity.’ You were relieved when you were able to get out of there, weren’t you? After that, you just tried to go along with Dean’s attempts to teach you to flirt, to pass as normal.”

The Shadow stood, “You have never felt sexual attraction, Castiel. Appreciated beauty, fallen in love, sure. But when I was tiptoeing through all your little tulips, you know what I saw?” the Shadow grinned wickedly, “No desire.”

Castiel glared at the Shadow, “Stop this.”

A corner of the Shadows mouth lifted in contempt, “Desire, the keystone to human romantic relationships, and you are incapable of it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Notes: Wow, this one was tough to write. If I did this right, there are a lot of feels right now.


	8. A More Profound Bond

Dean looked up from his research as he heard the Bunker door open.

“Hi, Dean,” Eileen called from the staircase.

Dean got up from the library table and walked into the war room. “Good, you’re not dead,” he huffed at Sam and Eileen.

Sam glanced at his brother as he walked down the stairs. He and Eileen joined Dean by the map table. Sam sighed, “We need to talk.”

“Worst sentence in the English language,” Dean ribbed, taking a seat.

“It’s not bad, per se, I’m just not sure how you’re going to react.”

“Well, right now I’m concerned. Spit it out, Sammy.”

“Remember when we were first hunting Balthazar? Cas explained that an angel can leave a mark, a brand on a soul.”

“Yeah, your point?”

Sam gestured to the handprint marking the left shoulder of Dean’s jacket. “When Cas pulled you out of Hell, he marked your soul.” Sam paused, waiting for Dean's reaction.

Dean dipped his head, “Okay, and this helps how?”

Sam’s eyebrows lifted, “You don’t care?”

“You’re the first to confirm it, but it isn’t the first time the possibility has crossed my mind.” Dean shrugged, “My body and soul were in tatters from the Hellhound and my stint in Hell. As Cas put both back together, it made sense that the handprint on my shoulder would have a corresponding mark on my soul.”

Eileen sat down. Sam walked around the map table and sat opposite her so she could continue following the conversation. “According to Rowena, angelic soul marks are harmless, have no impact on the person marked. They are intended to be read by other angels, a spark of grace that indicates the soul is claimed or under an angel’s protection.

“Human souls have their own metaphysical rules.” Sam continued. “If strong emotional bonds are formed, the souls reach out to each other. In the case of real love, a tether is formed between the two. Not just romantic love, any form of true lasting love, whether it be familial, deep friendship, or romantic. Soul bonds are how angels determine if people should share a heaven and where the concept of soulmates derives from.

“Typically, souls and grace don’t mix, like oil and water, but when Cas marked you, your soul adapted to that tiny bit of grace. Therefore –”

Dean interrupted, “So you are saying, because I have an upgraded soul, the ‘profound bond’ I have with Cas created a tether made of soul and grace?”

“Yeah,” Sam paused, clearing his throat, “and every angel and demon could see it.”

“Son of a bitch!”

***

Dean had walked off to the kitchen, needing a minute to deal.

‘That was a lot,’ Eileen signed, ‘but I thought he and Cas were best friends. Surely finding out there is a bond between them isn’t groundbreaking news?’

‘Dean has dealt with multiple revelations this week.’ Sam signed, ‘Right now, I think he is replaying all the snide comments he’s heard from angels and demons and wondering how he dismissed the obvious.’

‘I think caring about someone so deeply that it is reflected in your soul is a beautiful concept,’ Eileen went on, ‘However, it’s also a significant disadvantage if your enemies know exactly who you love the most.’

‘Yeah, that aspect is terrifying.’ He nodded in agreement, ‘There’s also a lot of mythology tied to soul bonds, such as fate, that Dean would hate after everything that we now know about Chuck.’

Eileen looked off into the distance, “That,” she said solemnly, “I can understand.”

Dean returned with three beers, set them on the table, and popped the lid off his. Sitting down, he asked, “Right, how does this help Cas?”

“Rowena insisted we find a book called the _Scripta Autem Angeli_ , it contains a spell that would make this tether visible to humans.”

“ _Scripta Autem Angeli_ , I’ve seen that! I dug through every bookshelf in this joint, and I remember pulling that off the shelf because it mentioned angels.” Dean jumped up and rushed into the library.

Eileen and Sam followed. Dean was picking up books on the table, checking the titles. 

“Here!” Dean sat down, opening the book.

Sam smiled, “Great, while you do that, I’ll make dinner, not all of us can survive on beef jerky and beer.”

Eileen stood up, “I’ll join you,” she told Sam.

In the kitchen, Sam grabbed an onion from the pantry shelf, placing it on the island.

‘Salad?’ Eileen asked.

Sam nodded, ‘It’s something we can make while talking.’ He smirked mischievously, ‘And eating healthy annoys Dean.’

Eileen smiled, heading to sort through kitchen utensils as Sam opened the fridge.

Once assorted vegetables, cutting boards, knives, colander, and salad bowl were on the island, they stood together and started making dinner.

‘Eileen, when this is over, after we’ve rescued Cas, do you have any idea what you want to do? Regarding us?’ 

Eileen thought, buying time by finishing cutting a green pepper, then replied, ‘I would like to move forward in our relationship. I genuinely like you Sam, and now that we are free, I think that it is possible that we could build a life together.”

‘Hunting?’

Eileen smiled, ‘It’s who we are, we save people.’

Sam nodded, smiling, ‘I’m good with hunting. As you said, we’re hunters.’ He paused, ‘I’ve had this idea running through my head though. Over the years, we have gathered more resources on hunting than any other hunter in the US has.’ He chortled, ‘Bobby was the best resource for hunters ten years ago, and even he primarily used the journal and occult book system.’

‘You want to run a network of hunters?’

‘Not exactly, I was thinking of setting up a communication network for hunters, people like Garth and Beth, and psychics. Charlie started setting up a database on monsters, and we have cures for people who have just been turned. If a hunter came across a newly turned vamp or werewolf, disseminating the information on how to heal them would make a huge difference. If they can’t be healed, but aren’t inherently evil, we can connect them to communities like the one Garth is part of.’

‘Our meeting with Rowena has made you dream big,’ Eileen laughed.

Sam smiled in response, ‘The possibility for real peace? I think it’s a dream worth investing in.’ He took Eileen’s hand and asked, ‘Together?’

Eileen beamed, ‘Together.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s notes : (Slight spoiler) Just in case its not absolutely clear. The soul bond in this story has nothing to do with destiny and fate. It’s all free will. I originally had Sam give a much longer description, but it didn’t make sense for him to be an expert after getting the sparknotes version from Rowena. Cas will explain around chapter 13.


	9. The Tethers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's notes: While I have taken the idea in a different direction, the concept for the tethers was inspired by GertieCraign's The Tether. It's a great story!

“This is pointless.” Castiel snapped, “Whether I would ever have been able to be with Dean no longer matters. I will never see him again.”

The Shadow scoffed. “No manners. Here I am allowing you to look upon the face of your favorite human, and you don’t even appreciate my gift to you.” They shook their head in mock offense, “Perhaps we should return to a more traditional form of torture. After all, no one besides me was able to read your mind so easily.”

The Shadow morphed into the authoritative angel that now commanded the spheres of Heaven. “Although, this one came very close.” the Shadow chortled, Naomi’s hand holding a drill. “I think being her for a while will be great fun!”

Castiel ran. Seeking the relative safety of the abyss around him. Desperately hoping that there was somewhere in this Empty that the Shadow could not find him.

A black rope snapped around his ankle, slamming him to the floor. Castiel twisted onto his back as the line dragged him back toward the Shadow.

“Castiel, the broken angel. Flawed, disobedient, Heaven’s aberration. No one will ever be able to fix that crack in your chassis.” the Shadow said with Naomi’s cold professionalism. Then they smirked as the oily blackness of the Empty rose beside them and formed a dentist’s chair. “I had so much fun trying though.”

***

Dean placed _Scripta Autem Angeli_ on the kitchen table. “Got it!” he said, grinning, to Eileen and Sam.

Sam and Eileen looked up from the vegetables they were cutting. Eileen put down her knife and sat across from Dean, “How does it work?”

“There’s a spell here that allows a specific soul bond to become visible to humans,” Dean explained as Sam joined them. “The spell requires ‘essences of the lifeforce of the individuals and the bond between them’ and this incantation.” Dean pointed to the inscription at the bottom of the page.

“Lifeforce is generally blood in spells,” Sam stated. “However, the essence of the bond, I’m not certain. Maybe a symbolic representation?”

“Like wedding rings?” Eileen asked.

Dean stiffened, “No. Just because Cas and I have this soul bond, does not mean there’s blanket permission to make marriage jokes.”

Surprised by Dean’s sudden discomfort, Eileen clarified, “What I meant was, wedding rings are the most popular symbol to represent an indivisible bond between two people. Therefore, what is a symbol between you and Cas that has a similar meaning?”

“The handprint?” Sam asked, waving a hand at Dean’s jacket.

Dean hesitated, “The jacket might work, but I’m going to have to remove some of the handprint to incorporate Cas’ blood into the spell. I can’t risk the spell not recognizing something that has been damaged. I have something else in mind, I’ll get it later.”

Sam realized Dean was dodging the question, but he let it pass, changing the subject, “Okay, so we have both bloods and a representation of the bond. Rowena has a plan for distracting the Shadow –”

“She does?”

“Yeah, I didn’t mention it before because the information on soul bonds took precedence. 

“Eileen and I negotiated with Rowena while we were in hell. She has human murderers that she is sending into the Empty as a distraction. In exchange, we allow any demon or angel they recover from the Empty to walk free.”

Dean scowled, “So the next few years will be spent hunting all the sons of bitches that we stopped to begin with? No deal! We don’t need a distraction, if we face the Shadow, we gank it.”

“How do you plan on doing that, Dean? Jack’s explosion would have taken out both Chuck and Amara! All it did to the Shadow was anger it!” Sam argued.

“Besides,” Eileen cut in, “Rowena created a contract that listed every being she would try to recover. The agreement ensured that those rescued would not be allowed on earth if they had any hostile intentions toward humans.”

Dean tensed, then whirled towards Sam, “You made a deal!” Outraged, he continued, “After what you just said to me the other day, you turn around and make a deal yourself? What the hell, Sam!”

Sam crossed his arms, “I did not make a deal, I made an alliance with Rowena. A treaty was drafted to stipulate the parameters of the alliance. Rowena signed as the Queen of Hell, and Eileen and I signed as the representatives for Team Free Will.”

“Oh yeah!?” Dean seethed, “And what will this alliance require?”

“It states that humans will not be physically or psychologically harmed by demons as long as Team Free Will lives, with the provision that if we recover Cas, the contract is void after a century. Hell is free to continue making crossroads deals, encouraging sinful behavior, and otherwise influencing people to freely damn their souls. We may continue to ask Rowena for help with our cases, provided we permit her to carry on capturing human monsters.”

Dean sat down, registering what his brother had just said. “So,” he said slowly, “you negotiated a peace treaty with Hell.”

“Essentially, yes.”

“No interference, huh. What about those who sell their souls to save people? You’re just going to walk away?”

“Yes.” Eileen answered, “Then we call in another group of hunters and help them in every way we can from the sidelines.” She crossed her arms and stared Dean down, “It is only voided if we take direct action against Rowena’s operations. If this works, there will no longer be violent attacks from demons. First, that means that there are fewer people dying. Therefore, hunters will be able to focus their efforts on other threats. We gain ten years to focus on dealing with the monster population. Once that is under control, we can research ways to recover souls from demon deals.”

“I reviewed every word in that agreement, Dean,” Eileen assured. “There are compromises, every treaty is a compromise for both sides, but in the grand scheme, this helps protect people.” She shrugged, “Also, Sam clearly trusts Rowena, and I think you do as well. To a lesser degree.” 

Dean shrugged noncommittally.

Eileen’s eyes rose, “You wouldn’t have accepted her offer to help if you didn’t trust her. I, however, am a hunter that just met the Queen of Hell. During that meeting, I was alert and assessed potential threats. Rowena being one of them.”

Dean huffed in agreement.

“I am wary of Rowena, she has a quick mind, the demons clearly fear her, and she is powerful in her own right. I am curious how she became the leader of hell. Overall, though, I respect her, she is clearly an effective leader.

“That assessment is why I considered looking at the alliance contract. I read every line and considered the consequences. Rowena, Sam, and I reworked the wording on several paragraphs.

“The reason I signed though, was because I believe that Rowena would never harm Sam. She sees him as her protégé, albeit on the side of good. She left him her entire inheritance even though she knew he was destined to kill her. You told me how she joked about Sam killing her being the best thing to happen to her because she is now queen. When I met her today, she was evaluating me the entire time. Deciding whether I was an acceptable match for Sam.”

Dean smirked, “Reunited for less than a week and you’re already having to deal with the in-laws.”

Eileen smiled at the joke; Sam huffed in exasperation.

“My point is, the agreement is a good one, and Rowena has an emotional incentive to not break it.”

“Fine,” Dean conceded, “Where do we need to meet Rowena?”

“Neutral ground.” Sam stated, “There’s a site in Wyoming, spells surround it that prevent any entity from harming another. A sanctuary.”

Dean nodded, “Great, long drive. Let’s get what we need and go.”

“Wait. If the tether between you and Castiel will allow you to find him in the Empty,” Eileen began, “Will your bond to Sam be your way back home?”

Dean blinked at Eileen, “A second tether?”

“Yes, Rowena said that soul bonds are manifestations of the strongest bonds of love. You and Sam share the love of brothers.”

Sam looked at Dean, “Eileen does have a point, I was able to defeat Lucifer because you fought for me at Stull Cemetery. And through all the other crap we’ve had to deal with, we’ve always chosen each other.” Sam cringed, remembering the trials, “Even if the world suffered for it.”

Dean nodded, “So there will be two tethers, one to get to Cas and one to get back home.”

Sam looked at Dean, “You realize that this means you’ll be entering the Empty alone?”

Dean nodded, “I spent a year fighting monsters in Purgatory when I was searching for Cas. I’ll be fine dealing with an empty realm.”


	10. Moose

**15 hours later – Moose, Wyoming**

The sun was rising, and the mountains to the west were blanketed in a soft pink glow. Eileen looked out from the windshield at the Grand Tetons as they drove through the valley, “It’s beautiful.”

Sam glanced at her, appreciating her smile, as Eileen took in the splendor of the region. ‘It is,’ he agreed, taking one hand off the steering wheel, ‘A place for miracles, and new beginnings.’

Dean was asleep in the back of the Impala. Ten hours into the drive, Sam had informed Dean that he either had to sleep and let Sam drive or wait until the next day to rescue Castiel. Entering dangerous territory after days of no sleep was too dangerous, but Dean had protested that he had overcome greater odds on less sleep. Finally, Sam had reminded him that this was their only shot at rescuing Cas, and Dean had relented.

A dilapidated old barn came into view, and Sam reached back to hit Dean on the arm. Dean jolted awake.

“We’re here.”

Dean sat up and looked around to get his bearings. “Seriously, Sam?” he grumbled, “Dirt roads! I let you drive, and you can’t even stick to the pavement for a few hours?”

Sam rolled his eyes, “We’ve been on dirt for 10 minutes.”

“And Baby is covered in dust!” Dean retorted, tapping the side window, now no longer crystal clear.

Sam pulled up to the barn and turned off the engine. As the three of them exited the Impala and walked back to the truck, he explained, “The sanctuary spells only work within the confines of the barn. It was built over the site to protect it when outsiders began to settle here. Outside the walls, the network of spells ceases to work.”

Dean opened the trunk and checked a clip of demon trap bullets, “So we go in armed like there are no spells,” Dean determined, snapping the clip into his gun.

Sam nodded, grabbing the duffle full of ingredients and the demon knife. 

Eileen joined them and picked out a pistol with demon trap bullets and a flask of holy water. Dean grabbed two angel blades and handed one to Eileen.

“Just in case any of the demons or angels that exit the rift decide they don’t want to play nice once we step back over the threshold.” A thought occurred to him, “You do have an anti-possession tat or charm, right?”

Eileen rolled her eyes and knelt. Lifting the leg of her jeans and pulling down her sock, she showed Dean her anti-possession tattoo. “Hidden from sight, difficult placement for a demon to burn off, and I can still wear a strapless dress without being peppered with questions.” She grinned mischievously, “Unlike you and Sam”

Dean grinned, “Welcome to Team Free Will.”

Sam texted Rowena, _15 minutes_.

Entering the barn, the three of them dragged an old workbench to the center of the space. Laying out all the ingredients, Sam looked at Dean. “Okay, two tethers. Our bond, so you get back here, and the bond between you and Cas, so you can find him in the Empty.”

“Yeah, let’s do the whole _Band of Brothers_ one first, make sure this works.”

Nodding, Sam picked up the piece of particle board with S.W. and D.W. carved into it, “I can’t believe you cut this out of the Impala.”

Dean shrugged, “Objects can’t replace people, Sammy, no matter how much sentimental value they hold.”

Sam gave Dean a small grin, “But you still hated doing it.”

Dean scoffed, “Of course I did. Now, can we get this show on the road?”

Sam placed their initials in the spell bowl. Taking two vials of blood, he poured his and Dean’s blood over the particleboard. Lighting a match, Sam chanted, “Hoc vinculum animi mortalis oculis aspectum.” Dropping the match into the bowl. 

The flame caught the blood like it was propane, spreading rapidly before transforming into a forest green and tawny gold light. 

A halo of white light surrounded both Sam and Dean, before coalescing around each of their hearts. A wisp of green light left Dean’s soul and drifted over to Sam. When it touched Sam’s soul, a tawny gold tendril of light made the journey to Dean’s soul.

“Well, that’s freaky.”

“It worked,” Sam exhaled.

The light from their souls continued back and forth along an invisible pathway, adjusting their courses as the bothers moved apart.

Eileen looked at the bond, “It’s as if each soul is verifying the other is there.”

“Soul Sonar.”

“Soul Sonar, Sam? You couldn’t come up with something more creative?”

“Your history of naming includes angel radio, Jefferson starships, and werepire.” Sam countered, “Soul sonar easily beats all of those.”

Dean crossed his arms, “We’re burning daylight. Cas and I next.”

Sam held out a hand, “I need the symbol of your bond.”

Dean dug into his jacket pocket and pulled out a cassette tape, handing it to Sam.

Sam's forehead scrunched as he looked at it, reading “Deans top 13 Zepp Traxx? This isn’t from your collection in the Impala.” Sam’s brows rose as realization dawned and a huge grin spread across his face. “You made Cas a mixtape.”

“Just cast the damn spell.”

Sam was still grinning, “You sorted through tracks, probably for hours, to make Cas the perfect mixtape.”

“Sam –“

“Is _Whole Lotta Love_ on it?” Sam sniggered, no longer able to contain laughing.

“Spell, now.”

Sam turned to the spell bowl, a huge grin still on his face. “Spell. Got it.” He placed the tape in the second spell bowl. As he took a vial of Dean's blood and a fragment of the handprint Dean had cut out of his jacket, he began to sing under his breath.

“ _There’s an angel on my shoulder._

_In my hand a sword of gold_

_Let me wander in your garden._

_And the seeds of love I’ll sow._

_You know_.”

“You are such a bitch.”

“Yeah, and always will be, jerk,” Sam replied, smirking victoriously.

Sam placed the ingredients in the bowl and lit the match, chanting, “Hoc vinculum animi mortalis oculis aspectum.”

This time, the flame turned into a forest green and a vibrant blue light. A halo of white light surrounded Dean. A wisp of green light left Dean’s soul and moved to be five feet in front of him, before vanishing.

Dean's face fell. “It didn’t work,” he whispered.

Sam shook his head, “I think it did, but Cas is in an entirely different dimension. Just wait.”

They waited, nothing.

Dean dragged his hands through his hair, “We’ll open the rift. Once I get to the other side, the tether will show up.”

“And how will you get back if the tether can’t cross dimensions?”

“Then I’ll wander the Empty until Cas and I find a way out! I am not leaving him.” Dean strode purposefully towards the third spell bowl.

Sam stepped in front of him. “Dean, wait, we can come up with another way to locate Cas.”

“Outta my way, Sam.”

“Sam! Dean!”

They spun towards Eileen and froze. A blue tendril of grace was floating in the air. As it came toward Dean, he took a step towards the light and it joined his soul. Moments later, a small glowing whisp of soul energy broke away from Dean, floated forward five feet, and disappeared.

“It works,” Dean breathed, “The tether connects souls and grace across dimensions.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s notes : Moose, Wyoming is a real place, and so is the barn mentioned in this chapter. The picture shown was taken by me.
> 
> Yeah, Sam has been so supportive and not been making fun of Dean. But as a sibling, there is no way he would have let Dean off the hook once he discovered the cassette tape. Finding a mixtape like that would be a gold mine for brotherly torment. And with their history of prank wars? Yeah, that will not be the last time Sam mentions the tape.
> 
> References:  
> Whole Lotta Love by Led Zepplin  
> Lyrics are from Led Zepplin’s Houses of the Holy  
> Band of Brothers by Stephen E Ambrose  
> Spell - Latin : Make this bond of souls visible to our mortal eyes. – Hoc vinculum animi mortalis oculis aspectum.


	11. Via the Void

“Hello, boys.”

Sam, Dean, and Eileen turned towards the barn door. Rowena stood outside the threshold.

“Rowena,” Sam acknowledged, “How are you – ?”

“Retaining this body?” Rowena smiled, “My son repaired Lucifer’s vessel some years back, I merely had the same team of demons repair mine. After all, this had already fallen to hell with me when I died and maintains the seal on hell even now. I just had to make it inhabitable again.”

Rowena looked to her left, “Come.” She said, waving her hand as she crossed the threshold into the barn.

A dozen humans walked into the barn flanked by three demons.

“Shall we proceed?”

Sam nodded and turned to the last spell bowl. He placed what was left of the quince from the tree of life and blood from a most holy man into the bowl. Looking at the Judah Initiative's notes, he chanted, “ביד האל, השער לריקנות ייפתח, והאבודים עשויים להימצא על ידי הראויים” Sam cast the sand into the bowl a fire flared to life in the bowl. Where Castiel and Dean's tether had vanished, an oval portal writhing with worms of black liquid opened out from the Empty.

“That’s the right portal,” Dean confirmed, glaring at the rift. He adjusted the hold on his angel blade, ready to go. Dean looked at Eileen, “You take care of my brother while I’m gone.”

The implied message was not lost on Eileen, “I will,” she answered solemnly.

“See you when I get back, Sammy.”

“Dean, wait.” Sam stepped forward and hugged his brother, “Good luck, and don’t you dare get trapped there.” Sam stepped back.

Dean nodded and turned, walking into the rift to the Empty.

After Dean vanished, Rowena waved her hand at the line of prisoners, “You understand the conditions of your release. Go!” She ordered.

***

Dean landed, knees bent, in an empty abyss. He stood and looked toward the portal. A wisp of green soul energy left his soul and made its way directly to the portal, before passing through.

“Great, that tether works,” Dean murmured to himself, “and the second…” He scanned his surroundings, looking for anomalies amidst the endless blackness. Then, to his left, a glimmer of blue light appeared. Dean smiled, “Let’s do this.”

Striding towards the light, he met up with it just as Rowena’s captives started coming through the rift and wandering into the Empty. The light met his soul, and he grinned, finally accepting that he would find Castiel. As the green soul light broke away from his chest, he whispered, “I’m not leaving here without you, buddy.”

***

In a distant part of the Empty, the Shadow leaned over Castiel. Naomi's drill was whirling deep into Castiel's skull. They smiled mercilessly at Castiel's screams of pain.

The Shadow suddenly straightened. Naomi’s eyes narrowed as the Shadow sensed something was amiss within their realm. They laid the bloody drill on an obsidian surgeon's table and said, “Well, this has been very productive, Castiel, but I’m afraid I have business to attend to elsewhere.”

Castiel was breathing shallowly, blue grace flaring out of an empty eye socket.

“Hmm, mind games next I think, can’t break you too quickly. I have an eternity to be kept entertained after all.”

Naomi’s form regressed into the black humanoid form of the Shadow, which melted into the ground of the Empty, disappearing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes : Next chapter will be released on Christmas Day (US)/Boxing Day (AUS)
> 
> Spell - Hebrew: By the hand of God, the gate to emptiness will be opened, and the lost may be found by the worthy. - ביד האל, השער לריקנות ייפתח, והאבודים עשויים להימצא על ידי הראויים  
> (If any readers actually know Hebrew and I got it wrong, please let me know. This is google translate and I've used it to translate Arabic before and my friend let me know that it wasn't right.) I thought using Hebrew for the spell to the Empty was appropriate because of the similarities to Sheol.


	12. Doubt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas!

Time seemed to have no meaning in the Empty. Dean had no notion of how much time had passed within the endless darkness. He focused on following the orbs of blue and green light that swiftly journeyed between him and Castiel.

After hours, possibly days, searching the Empty, Dean stopped. In the distance, color breached the black abyss. A speck of tan on the monochrome canvas. 

Dean ran forward. A blue orb of grace moved toward him from what he was now certain was Castiel. He scanned the Empty as he approached and perceived no threats. However, as he came closer, he realized Castiel lay strapped to an obsidian dentist’s chair, bloody and unmoving.

Dean rushed to Castiel. “Cas!” he called, examining Castiel’s condition. His best friend was restrained to the chair, his face turned away from Dean. The side of Castiel’s face was drenched in blood, and he was quivering.

“Cas, buddy?” Dean murmured, reaching out a hand toward Castiel’s face to examine the wounds.

Castiel flinched.

Dean swiftly withdrew his hand and hurried to the other side of the chair. “Cas, it’s me. We’re going home.” He kept a respectful distance as he assessed Castiel. Castiel’s grace was still working, as there were no open wounds, but the blood covering Castiel’s face was also splattered over his trenchcoat and the floor. Bloody instruments lay on an obsidian table beside the chair. A human would have died from so much blood loss. The amount present indicated that Castiel had been cut open, allowed to heal, and then ripped into again. Dean felt nauseous.

Castiel opened his eyes, and Dean staggered back. Cas had never looked at him with such hatred, fear, and loathing. Dean raised his hands and stepped back again to show he was not a threat, “Cas, it’s okay, it’s me.”

“I know who you are, Shadow,” Castiel spat.

Dean swallowed as he processed what was happening. “The Shadow is a shapeshifter?” One that had clearly used Dean’s form to torment Cas. The queasy feeling grew stronger. “Cas, buddy, I’m me, Dean.”

“What is your game today? I thought you had decided to move on from being Dean.”

Dean’s eyes landed on the lights that moved between him and Cas. “Cas, I’m really me. Look,” Dean gestured at the tether, “Can’t angels see the soul bond, or whatever?”

Castiel scoffed, “Dean has no idea about the bond, you ass. Humans can’t see soul bonds. Neither Dean nor Sam even knows that such connections exist. Even if they did, human knowledge of such bonds is limited. I realized years ago, that if Dean ever discovered the true consequences of a grace-soul bond, he would no longer tolerate my presence in his life.” 

Dean’s heart shattered.

“So, this was your game for today, pose as Dean, orchestrate it so I would think I was being rescued. And then what? Wait until I had gained a glimmer of hope? Then have your fun reminding me that I am here forever and that it is pathetic to hope. Remind me that Dean or Sam could never enter here. That its laughable to think they would even try.” Castiel shook his head, “You gave away the game when you mentioned the soul bonds. Naomi was just as proficient at creating the illusion of a soul, but Dean would be repulsed by the idea of being bound to a supernatural entity.”

Cas turned away, “I am not participating in your twisted game today, Shadow, you’ll just have to be content with ‘old fashioned torture’”

Dean swallowed bile, then walked up to Castiel, laying a hand on his shoulder. Castiel flinched again, but this time, Dean kept his hand steady. “Cas, I don’t know exactly what you have been through while you’ve been here, but it’s really me.” He paused, watching Castiel, “I opened a rift to the Empty, and Rowena told Sam and me about the bond. We cast a spell that makes the bond visible to a human so that I could follow it to you. The bond I share with Sam is our anchor home.”

Castiel shifted his shoulder, trying to move away from Dean as much as he could with the restraints.

“And I’m not repulsed by the grace-soul bond. I’m tethered to _you_. Castiel, my best friend, the only angel I give a damn about, the one who fought and bled and _died_ again and again to protect our family. _Our family_ , Cas! Team Free Will.” Dean took a deep breathe, “I am tethered to the person who loves me. And the hell if I know how you possibly could; I certainly don’t deserve to have someone who sees me the way you do. I am loved by you. How could I possibly be repulsed by that?”

Dean removed his hand, “Let me start to prove it’s me, alright?” Dean examined the cuff securing Castiel’s left hand. A seam ran along the inner side of the cuff, held together by some unseen force, and a hinge on the outer side. Dean placed a hand on the cuff and tried to open it, in case it was spelled to open for anyone except the restrained. No dice, but it was worth a shot. He considered using the angel blade as a lever to attempt to break the cuffs open. Then dismissed the idea, if the blade slipped, he risked killing Cas. Dean turned to the table beside Cas, looking for a tool that would open the restraints.

Laid out before him was a menagerie of implements caked with blood. Amongst the disgusting selection, a chisel lay next to a drill, and a mallet hung off the side of the table. Looking at the tools, he half hoped he would cross paths with the Shadow. If he did, they were dead.

He grabbed the mallet and chisel. At the sound, Cas turned his head, “Not Dean,” he said in a monotone that Dean knew meant something was truly wrong.

“What?”

“You can rip me apart while I’m strapped to this chair for the rest of eternity, but not as Dean.” His eyes caught the chisel in Dean’s hand, and he continued in a rush, “You want to enjoy torturing me for the rest of eternity, fine. But if you use a facsimile of Dean to break me while I’m in this chair, you will have nothing left. I’ll be an empty shell, like _she_ wanted me to be, and this time there will be no coming back.”

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

Castiel ignored him, turning his head away again. “Get on with it. Just…not Dean.”

Dean snapped, took the chisel and hammer, set the chisel to the joint between the cuff and the hinge, and crashed the hammer down with all his strength. The cuff broke open. Not looking at Cas, Dean moved on to the next one, and the next, and the next. When the cuffs were all broken, he looked up at Castiel.

Castiel had sat up and was looking at Dean in confusion.

“I told you, we are getting out of here.”

Castiel’s brow furrowed as he challenged, “And why would Dean, rescue me from the Empty?”

Dean walked up to Cas, and crouched slightly so that they were at eye level, “What’s the matter?” Revelation struck, and his eyes widened, “You don’t think you deserve to be saved.”


	13. The Truth

Cas turned his face away from Dean, and Dean thought about all the times Cas had believed he deserved to be abandoned as penance.

Dean swallowed, “Cas, you have always deserved to be saved. I have failed you in the past, I haven’t been there for you when you needed me most. Whatever crap you have going through your head, you do not deserve this. Got that? Purgatory, being human? That wasn’t some punishment you needed to serve, Cas. That was Chuck being a dick. That was me failing you. You have always done your best to protect people. Hell, you are only here because of your love for your family.” Dean paused, “Your love for me.”

Cas turned sharply towards Dean and met his eyes.

“You don’t deserve this,” Dean declared, “You are the most self-sacrificing sonuvabitch I’ve ever known. When we get home, we are going to talk about the fact that you told me you love me right before you kamikazed into the Empty to save my ass. Right now, though, you need to know that your self-image is just as fucked up as mine. You see yourself as broken, an angel with free will that has made all the wrong choices. You think every mistake you have made means you deserve to suffer. It does not. You have always tried to do the right thing. Even when you were a good little soldier with a stick up his ass. You had doubts but wanted to make the moral choice. Remember sitting on those benches at the playground? You wanted the town to be saved when Uriel was jonesing to wipe it off the map. Two of your major regrets, becoming God and the angels being cast out of Heaven, were the plans of some manipulative assholes. Crowley and Metatron used your aspiration to protect humanity against you so they could attempt to gain power.

“Everyone who knows you understands that everything you do, you do out of love. You fell for love, you protect our family out of love, you protect the whole world, out of love.”

Cas stood and Dean stepped forward and hugged him. Cas didn't react.

Stepping back, he continued, “I never thought that I would be able to truly care for someone besides Sam and Bobby. But then I met you. Weird, quirky little Cas, the angel of humanity. You made me laugh. Days spent with you were days worth living. I have lost you too many times, and I can’t lose you again. Don’t let me fail you again. This time, let me raise you from perdition.”

Cas’s eyes glistened, but doubt still filled his face, unable to accept that this might be real.

“Cas, I need you.”

Cas looked down, took a deep breath, and nodded to himself before looking back at Dean. 

“Well done, Shadow. You have taken my hopes and given a masterful speech in the form of Dean. You even had the forethought not to push too far and say ‘I love you.’ As you reminded me earlier though, when I last saw Dean, he didn’t want to hear me tell him how I felt. There is no point in pretending that he would reciprocate.”

“Dammit, Cas.” Dean turned and paced back and forth, trying to figure out how to get through to Cas, “Look, just walk with me. If I were the Shadow, it wouldn’t make any difference.” Cas looked at Dean, nodded, and gestured for Dean to lead the way.

Dean paused and gestured to the light coming from his soul, “I am me though. Think about it, Cas, we have a shot out of here. Chuck is gone and we are free.”

Dean turned and looked out into the Empty. In the distance, a tawny gold wisp of light was moving towards him. “Heya, Sammy,” he murmured.

***

Sam checked the spell bowls and nodded to himself. The fires for the two tether spells were still burning strong. Conversely, the flame for the rift into the Empty was dying down. He reached into his duffel and pulled out another vial of sand. As he sprinkled more god-powered sand into the bowl, the flames rose to their full strength again.

“Seems you’ve become quite the proficient witch, Samuel,” Rowena had wandered over. Bored of maintaining her imperious facade, she had sent her demons to patrol the area around the barn.

“Casting a few basic spells does not make me a witch,” Sam replied tersely.

“Ach, a few basic spells?” Rowena scoffed. “Dear, if anyone could bring back the dead, open rifts and grant angelic vision to mortals, don’t you think _everyone_ would be doing it?”

“I have access to the largest resource of occult knowledge in the world. I have been a part of the supernatural world since I was a child. And I have watched you, Cas and plenty of others cast spells over the years.”

Rowena laughed, “Samuel, knowledge is only a small part of witchcraft. Of course, any human can perform a simple exorcism for lesser demons and cast wee spells with the right instruction.” She gestured to the three spells. “But this? This is real magic. The likes of which can only be cast by a natural witch with centuries of practice.”

Sam rolled his eyes, “You were the most powerful, knowledgeable witch alive, Rowena, but in this case, I think your opinion of me may be clouding your judgment.” Sam pressed the palm of his hand with his thumb, “The only place I spent centuries was the cage, and I learned no magic there.”

“All magic has a power source, whether that source is angelic grace, souls, demonic power, or the natural energy of the earth. You are a natural witch. Like myself, you harness the energy of nature to cast magic. The ease that you access it is due to your latent demonic powers.”

Sam winced and Rowena set her hand on his forearm. “I’m not implying you are accessing those powers anymore. I am fully aware that you forsook that path when you saw the consequences. However, that wee bit of demon blood that runs through your veins enhances your natural connection to spell work. There is nothing inherently evil about your blood, it is just a part of who you are.”

Sam stepped back, “If casting spells uses my demon blood powers, why the hell didn’t you tell me before!” he seethed.

“Latent ability, there is no risk of it resulting in your addiction again. It merely serves to heighten your ability to use your natural magic. You don’t need the centuries of training that a typical witch does because your body is already accustomed to channeling power.”

Rowena sighed and continued, “Of course, there is more to being a witch than just casting spells. Most covens wouldn’t even deign to acknowledge you as a witch. What with all their rules and other drivel. So, I suppose a _highly powerful skilled spellcaster_ would be more accurate than a _witch_.”

Sam relaxed, “Eileen was right.”

“I am sure that your highly adept, intelligent huntress is right about many things, dear, but what exactly are you referring to?”

“Eileen perceived that you view me as your protégé.”

“Not in the classical sense,” Rowena replied, “I realized early on that you had power. However, I also realized you would never become the type of witch I could use. You are too set on being good.” Rowena rolled her eyes, “Good is boring, dear, evil has all the fun.” She winked.

Rowena continued, “I didn’t truly begin to trust you until we worked together against Lucifer and Amara. Over time, I grew fond of you and your little band, my three little musketeers. Therefore, I may have given you a few pointers on spells and given a little more help than strictly necessary. You have potential, Samuel, and I suppose you are the closest I have ever had to a true protégé. Anyone else I taught was short term and purely for my own benefit.”

Sam smiled, “I suppose I consider you a friend as well, Rowena.”

“I bloody well hope so!” Rowena declared in mock outrage. “After all, I died because spending time with you lot made me _care_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes : Hi amazing readers! Wanted to say hello to the new readers of this fic and thanks to those who reread this since I last posted (1000 hits on New Years Day!)


	14. Fate or Free Will?

Eileen stood at the entrance to the barn, scanning her surroundings. The flat grassy valley provided excellent sightlines as she scanned the region for threats. From this vantage point, Eileen could see two of Rowena’s demons patrolling the edge of the property. In the valley, a herd of elk grazed in the distance. The hunter took a moment to look out at the beauty of the Grand Tetons. The sharp, snowy peaks cut into the iridescent blue of the crystal-clear sky.

Eileen glanced behind her to check on Sam and Rowena. Rowena was examining the rift, and Sam was walking over to join Eileen at the barn doors.

Sam jerked his head towards the landscape and asked, ‘See anything?’

‘No threats,’ Eileen replied. She smiled and swept her hand out to encompass the landscape, ‘Appreciating paradise.’

Sam came to stand beside her and they both wrapped an arm around each other as they looked out towards the mountains. They stood there in silence for minutes, appreciating the quiet moment with each other.

Eileen lifted her hand and signed, ‘I would like to come back here one day. Not to live, but to visit. There is beauty to appreciate, and we could explore together.’

‘Hiking would be a welcome change from my morning runs through derelict town blocks. I think anywhere we explored here would have the quiet peace achieved from just being away from the world.’

‘Spending time here with you would be perfect.’

They stood together for a while longer, watching as the herd of elk moved across the plain.

Beside her, Sam shifted to look back towards the rift, and Eileen turned to face Rowena.

“…coming through.” Eileen saw Rowena state.

The roiling black mass that comprised the rift was moving faster than the sedate flow it had become after everyone had gone through. The portal widened and a blonde woman fell through, landing on her hands and knees. She stood, brushing sawdust and dirt off her jeans, and faced Rowena. “Asset recovered, the angel Balthazar, as assigned.”

The rift began to open again. Sam turned to face her, stepping between the portal and Eileen, ‘Shut your eyes!’ he signed. Eileen complied, and seconds later light filled the barn, even with her eyes closed the blinding light filtered through her eyelids, and she raised her forearm over her eyes. Her other hand drawing the angel blade as she shifted into a fighting stance.

The light faded, and she opened her eyes as she lowered her arm. Balthazar was nowhere to be seen, having ascended to heaven. 

Rowena looked at the blonde woman, “You are free to go once Eileen and Sam have tested you, as per our arrangement.”

Eileen stepped forward and took the woman’s wrist in her hand. Taking the angel blade, Eileen made a small cut across the back of the woman’s forearm. Red blood seeped through the cut, devoid of angelic grace. Sam stepped beside Eileen, took out his flask, and poured holy water over the wound. 

The woman looked at them once the test was done, “As I am clearly not possessed, we good?”

Eileen let go of the woman’s wrist and stepped back. “You are free to go.”

The woman strode to through the barn doors and started walking down the dirt road.

***

Castiel and Dean walked in silence. Castiel listened to the overlapping patterns of their breathing and footsteps, both sounds eerily subdued by the strange nature of the Empty.

Eventually, Dean slowed so he was walking beside Castiel and asked, “What don’t humans understand about soul bonds?”

Castiel ignored him and kept walking.

“Great,” Cas heard Dean mumble, “hauling my best friend’s feathered ass out of here, and he’s giving me the silent treatment.”

“I would rather walk to wherever you plan to take me, rather than be dragged around again,” Castiel stated. Distantly, Cas realized that talking to the Shadow would only give it more leverage to use against him, but he just did not care anymore. Besides, if the Shadow grew bored, they would just tear through his thoughts again, taking all the information they wanted to weaponize against him. 

“Figure of speech, Cas.”

He glanced at Dean’s form, the light cast from the soul illusion was identical to Dean’s beautiful soul. Castiel had already committed to being manipulated by the Shadow’s newest ploy when he had taken the first step to follow them earlier. He may as well play along during this lull before the mirage was ripped away.

“One of humanity’s amazing talents is their ability to create and tell stories. Chuck and Metatron were both fascinated by it. One of the themes that has woven its way into so many of their stories is the concept of soulmates. Soulmate mythology was conceived millennia ago, derived from their limited knowledge of soul bonds. In human mythology, soulmates are two people destined to be together, both souls incomplete until they find one another.”

Dean nodded, “Yeah, pretty much the plot to every Hallmark movie Lisa used to watch.”

Castiel stopped. Dean hardly ever mentioned Lisa and Ben, and he knew Dean had never told him the type of movies Lisa watched. Was the Shadow extrapolating based on the limited information Castiel knew about Lisa? Or…? No. If he began to believe that this was truly Dean, and the illusion broke… He continued walking, ignoring the raised eyebrows Dean’s form shot at him questioningly.

“Hallmark movies were not in the collection of knowledge Metatron imposed on me, nor did I watch them with Dean. However, if it followed the general human belief of soul bonds, the soulmates would have been destined to be with one another in a romantic relationship. Fate would have led them to meet, and the broken half-souls would become one.”

“Spot on.”

Cas shook his head, “That is entirely inaccurate. Soulmates as defined in this manner, do not exist. The concept that every individual soul is broken, only half of itself, is absurd. Each person has a complete soul that is the core of their being, their truest self.

“The idea that romantic partners are divinely driven towards one another is often true. Cherubim often join two people that are destined to be together according to Heaven’s directives, but there is no soul bond in that scenario. Heaven merely attempts to control certain bloodlines.

“A soul bond is created when two people care deeply for one another and the souls reach out to one another. Humans place an inordinate amount of importance on romantic love and often confuse it with sexual attraction, but most soul bonds are platonic. For example, after my last resurrection, I could see the beginning of a soul bond between Sam and Jack. It took time to fully develop, but the soul bond between parent and child was already forming. 

“Heaven, Chuck, and the Fates have no control over soul bonds. To love so completely that two souls reach out to one another is the truest form of free will.”

Dean stopped, and Cas turned to face him, “Then why the hell did you think I would kick you out of my life if I found out about the bond?”

Cas faltered, “After Chuck revealed his true nature, I considered broaching the subject with Dean. He was so lost after discovering his entire life had been controlled by Chuck. I told him that one aspect I knew was real was our friendship.” Cas paused, “He just walked away. Unable to believe that Chuck did not script our emotions as well. I knew there was no point after that.”

“That was a year ago, Cas. I’ve known you for twelve.”

Castiel thought of every time he had come close to telling Dean, “I – ,“ Castiel ceased talking. He was not going to go through the pain of reliving every regret he had regarding his time with Dean. Castiel walked faster, distancing himself from Dean’s form. “You’ve already seen why, Shadow, when you tore through my thoughts.”

Memories of Dean flashed through Castiel’s mind.

_Seeing Dean’s soul for the first time._

_“Don’t ever change.”_

_Watching Dean trying so hard to be loyal, countering Sam and Bobby’s suspicions, when every instinct told him otherwise._

_“Sorry, but I rather have you. Cursed or not.”_

_“Lemme bottom line it for you. I’m not leaving here without you. Understand?”_

_Hoping being human would be a new beginning. “Of course. Dean, you know I always appreciate our talks. Our time together.”_

_Dean eating burgers as they sat together and talked._

_“I could go with you.”_

_Dean’s hand pulling away from the banishment sigil when they fought Ishim._

_“Welcome home, pal”_

_Dean’s return after Michael’s possession._

_“I love you.”_


	15. Speak of the Devil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: Torture (more graphic than usual) - Nothing worse than in the show, actually, significantly less than in show. However, if you want to skip don't read past the ***

Dean lengthened his stride to catch up to Cas. Jarringly, he jerked to a halt, his feet stuck to the ground. “Cas!” He shouted, alarmed. “I can’t move!”

Cas turned around and tilted his head at Dean, eyes narrowed in annoyance. 

Suddenly, the ground between them liquefied into an inky pool. Filled with dread, Dean watched as a form began to rise from the abyss. The Shadow molded themselves into their semifluid approximation of a human form, jet black liquid trickling down their body.

Castiel’s attention flitted between the Shadow and Dean, his eyes narrowed in confusion. Dean watched as Castiel began to fully comprehend what was happening. Sudden understanding swiftly transformed into horror as he realized Dean was in danger. 

The black liquid of the Shadow appeared to absorb into the entity as they took on the form of the asshole that had forced Dean’s hand to say yes to Michael. The narcissistic psychopath that had tortured Sam for over a century in the Cage, possessed and murdered Cas, and ripped Jack’s grace away.

Castiel’s eyes flicked between Lucifer’s form and Dean. His angel blade dropped into his hand, and he strode toward the Shadow. With a swift motion, Castiel drove the blade into the Shadow’s back. 

Dean watched as the tip of the blade protruded through the center of Lucifer’s chest. The Shadow looked down at the blade and shrugging their shoulders, chuckled, “That was fun.” They waved their hand and Castiel was flung around the Shadow and collapsed next to Dean. Dean noted their voice was higher than Lucifer’s, but otherwise, there was no distinguishable difference between the Shadow and Lucifer. How long had Cas been tortured with the Shadow wearing faces of beings who hated him, or loved him? No wonder Cas hadn’t been able to accept Dean when he arrived.

The Shadow took hold of the tip of the blade and pulled it forward. Their form rippling around the blade as they pulled it through their body. “Finally! You were so subdued before, Castiel. Now though, I have the person you have sacrificed everything to protect.” The Shadow watched Castiel as he picked himself up off the floor and stood next to Dean. 

Turning their attention to Dean, the Shadow crossed their arms and assessed him. “Dean Winchester. A human. I sensed severally anomalous beings entering my realm earlier. When I left Castiel to investigate, I was surprised to come across several of your kind.” They looked at Castiel. “Humans are so easily broken. The first two I found died within seconds. I was more prudent with the third I came across. It kept me entertained for a little longer, but apparently, human minds are significantly less resilient than the minds of angels.” 

Lucifer’s face smirked again as they looked back at Dean, “With my fourth toy, I was able to glean its most recent memories before its brain melted. Twelve decoys, so you could rescue your pet angel.” 

Dean twisted, trying to wrench his feet free from the ground. “Listen, you douchebag–”

Lucifer’s fingers quickly snapped together, and vines of pitch sprung up from the Empty and wrapped themselves around Dean, pinning his arms and covering his mouth.

Castiel stepped forward, but the move was aborted as the Shadow waved their hand and Cas slid to Dean’s right. Vines sprung up to restrain Cas as well.

“Tell me, Dean, did you ever wonder why so many angels seemed affronted by your mere existence?”

The pitch-black vine pulled away from Dean’s mouth and he answered, “They were arrogant flying dicks that couldn’t understand why Cas would be friends with two mud monkeys.”

The Shadow’s voice pitched higher, “Hmmm…not too smart, are you? Hester specified you as the corruption. Naomi only analyzed your connection to Castiel. The angels under Castiel’s command tolerated to you when Cas was around but treated you like dirt when he wasn’t.”

“Like I said, arrogant dicks.”

“You are Castiel’s corruption, Dean. The touch of your soul upon angelic grace is seen as an abomination in heaven. 

“As the first angel to truly fall in love with a human, Castiel was looked upon with pity. An angel had never fallen in love with a human before, the conception of nephilim had always been the result of carnal desire or experimentation. Naomi was called in when Castiel first attempted to warn you about Heaven’s plans. However, after he fell, heaven was divided in their opinion of the grace-soul bond. Many interpreted Castiel’s first resurrection as God’s approval of the developing bond whilst others viewed the connection as abhorrent as the creation of a nephilim.

The Shadow’s voice deepened to match Lucifer’s perfectly, “Speaking of, how is the little slugger? Forgiven him yet? Or have you been blaming him for Cas’s death this time around, too?”

Dean winced at the recent memories of how he had treated Jack. However, after everything, he thought Jack may have forgiven him. Even if Dean hasn’t forgiven himself for how he treated the kid when he was obsessed with taking down Chuck. Dean turned his face towards Cas and met his eyes, “Jack is good, he’s safe.” Dean hoped that his message would be enough to reassure Cas. With the way things stood, Jack may be their only shot out of here, and the last thing he wanted to do was alert the Shadow to the fact that his, Cas’s, and Sam’s kid was now God.

Cas met Dean’s eyes and nodded, eyes alight in thanks for letting him know Jack was alive.

Lucifer’s eyes studied the human and the angel, “Oh, you guys are having a moment,” they mocked.

“Once he truly chose earth over heaven, though,” the Shadow went on, “the angels saw you as a cancer upon Castiel’s grace that needed to be removed. Naomi and Hannah both sought to fix Castiel in their own degenerate way. Naomi thought she could break the bond by having Castiel kill you. Nearly succeeding in her methodical reprogramming process. Hannah thought she could convince Castiel to choose the fate of Heaven over your life. When Castiel chose you, Naomi determined he was unsalvageable whilst Hannah viewed him as a broken being to be pitied. Neither angel could comprehend love. 

“Ishim and Mirabel were disgusted by how far Castiel had fallen, love and emotion having changed him so much. Ishim knew his “cure” would break Castiel. However, like Ephraim, Ishim viewed Castiel as beyond saving.

Dean paled; he had watched the angels treat Cas like scum over the years. He had hated it when Cas went to heaven or the angels had called for Cas’s assistance because Dean knew he’d have a snowball's chance of helping Cas if the angels trapped him in Heaven. To know that the angels thought Cas was broken not because he had free will, but because he loved Dean? That was devastating.

“Of course, this doesn’t really matter to you does it? After all, Castiel never told you about the bond’s existence, so none of this is your fault, right?”

Dean glared at the Shadow. He should have been able to help Cas. Even if he didn’t know about the bond specifically, he was fully aware of how Cas’s angelic family treated him. If he had just asked Cas how he could help instead of just acting defensively every time another angel came around…

The Shadow grinned, “I read Castiel’s mind, such as it is, when he was first here. After he made the deal for the life of your son, I had time to consider what to do with him after I collected him. I thought about my first study of him and remembered when I lied to him.” The Shadow circled Cas, continuing to address Dean, “I told him, ‘There is nothing for you back there.’ Watching the delicious devastation on his face was amusing.”

Dean glanced at Cas. His friend was avoiding his gaze, looking down in defeat.

Lucifer’s hands clapped together, “So I decided when I returned, I would keep myself entertained by torturing him. Being awake is so dull. Castiel promised he would fight me forever, for eternity, and suddenly that sounded like so much fun!

“And now I’ve got you, what better way to torture Castiel than to make him watch his little pet human scream in agony.”

The Shadow picked up the angel blade. “You may be a fragile little bug, but I saw the damaged Castiel sustained from torture when he was human, so let’s begin.”

***

Castiel fought against his bindings as the Shadow dragged the angel blade down Dean’s chest, leaving the twenty-seventh shallow cut on Dean’s torso. Dean’s face, chest and back were a bloody canvas of bruises and cuts. Dean grunted in pain as the Shadow dug deeper.

“How are you doing, Dean? Enjoying the five-star service?” the Shadow mocked with Lucifer’s voice.

Dean glared at the Shadow, “Go to Hell.”

“Oo, good one, witty, I’ll use that in the future. Come on now, Dean,” the Shadow complained, “Not one little scream?”

Dean looked up, weak but fire still alight in his eyes. He spat a glob of blood in Lucifer’s face. “That the best you can do? You sick son of a bitch?”

The Shadow stepped back, the blood on their face disappearing as it was absorbed into the Shadow. “No, but then, I’ve only just begun toying with humans. Besides, your pal over there seems to be quite distraught over this arrangement.”

The Shadow turned their attention to Castiel, “Regarding the best I can do…” They dove toward Dean, driving the silver blade into his stomach.

“ _Dean!”_

Dean collapsed as the entity withdrew the blade from his abdomen.

“Looks like I got my scream.” The Shadow gloated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes : Hi amazing readers!  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I love hearing what you think about the story!  
> Also, I promise there will be fluff!


	16. It’s in Just Hearing It

The Shadow stepped away from Dean “Heal him,” and snapped their fingers. “He’s no good to me dead. Yet.” Castiel’s bindings fell away and he dropped to Dean’s side. Dean had both hands over his stomach, blood seeping through his fingers.

“Dean?” Castiel asked. His hand hovering over Dean’s stomach.

Dean met his eyes and nodded, taking his hands off the puncture. Castiel lowered his hand over Dean’s wound and a golden glow emitted from his palm. Seconds passed as Cas struggled to maintain the healing. The golden light dimmed and flickered; Cas’s eyes closed as he focused. Dean inhaled deeply as the mortal wound miraculously healed, and the light sputtered out.

Castiel slumped, breathing heavily as he recovered.

Unable to heal the remainder of Dean’s injuries, Cas raised two fingers to Dean’s forehead and sent the hunter into a deep sleep. Shame washed through him as he thought of how far he had fallen. The most he could do to help Dean through the pain was to provide him a few hours of unconsciousness.

The Shadow crouched in front of Castiel. “Good, can’t have him dying yet. I really want to enjoy this.” The Shadow took hold of Castiel’s chin and forced him to look at them. “I really wanna savor just ripping him apart.” the Shadow quipped, eyes gleaming.

Castiel jerked away from the Shadow’s grasp, shifting his position slightly to shield Dean from the Shadow’s gaze. Lucifer’s face smirked victoriously as the Shadow stood.

“Until then, I think I’ll go hunt some more rogue humans.” They turned away and began to walk out into the Empty. With a snap of their fingers, onyx bars rose from the Empty and formed a cell around Castiel and Dean.

“You know,” Lucifer’s voice called back, “Once I kill him, there truly will be nothing for you back there.” The Shadow laughed and Castiel watched as they melted into the abyss.

***

As Dean slowly emerged from the bliss of unconsciousness, his first sensation was the searing pain of the lacerations across his body. Memories swiftly returned to him. The Empty, finding Cas, the Shadow going all Jame Gumb on him. He shifted, and pain lanced up his body. Dean’s eyes snapped open, eyes darting around as he assessed his environment, realizing he was in some sort of cage.

“Hello, Dean.”

Pushing himself up to a sitting position, Dean winced as scabbed over wounds reopened. Now able to see the rest of the cell, Dean forced a smiled through the pain as he saw Cas sitting against the onyx bars. “Hi, Cas. Damn, it’s good to know you finally recognize me.” Dean looked around for the Shadow, but beyond the bars of the cage was just endless nothing.

Dean returned his focus to Cas, and frowned, eyes narrowing. Cas was sitting in the opposite corner of the cell, watching Dean with concern, yet not meeting his eyes. “You do know it’s me, right?”

Cas’s gaze met Dean’s briefly, before looking away again. “Yes, Dean, recent events have convinced me that you are actually you.”

“And what? You finally figured out the concept of personal space while you were trapped in this hellhole?” Dean asked, gesturing to the distance between them.

Castiel shrugged, “I’ve been around humans long enough now to know the standard American expectation of personal space, Dean. Now that you know about the bond and – and how I feel, I thought you would be more at ease if I kept my distance when you woke up.”

Grabbing hold of an onyx bar, Dean levied himself up and hobbled over to Cas. Sitting down next to Cas, Dean took a deep breath. “I thought I made my feelings on the grace-soul bond and how I feel about you clear when you still thought I was the Shadow.”

Cas nodded, “I know that you care about me, Dean. I am profoundly grateful that you have come to bring me back.” Cas looked around at their cell, “Even now, seeing you…it’s the only hope I have had since I died.

“I am aware that my romantic love is unrequited. When I told you I loved you, you begged me to stop. I never wanted to burden you with that knowledge, but I don’t regret what I did. I knew you cared for me as family. Knowing you, Sam, and Jack accepted me, loved me, as family, was the best part of my life. I sacrificed myself knowing that I had been loved.”

“Cas, I didn’t ask you to stop because I didn’t want to hear you were in love with me,” Dean corrected, “I said, ‘Don’t do this, Cas,’ because I knew that I was about to lose you. Again!” Dean’s voice rose as the pain, sadness, and loss he had been suppressing since Cas died broke free. “I would have preferred to have died, fighting side by side with you against Death herself, then to go through the pain of losing you again.” Dean wanted to stand but knew he would not last long with his injuries, so he scooted on the ground, turning so he was facing Cas. “You told me you loved me, said goodbye, and shoved me out of the way so the Shadow could take you and Billie!” Dean ranted. “I watched, helpless, as the Shadow took you.” Dean’s voice lowered to a murmur, “And my last memory of you – was you smiling, filled with happiness, as the Shadow killed you.”

“Dean, I – “

“I get it Cas. I’ve made deals, sacrifices, to protect those I love. Hell, as soon as I had the chance, I tried to make a deal with Chuck for your life.”

Cas stiffened, “Dean, what did you do?” he asked urgently.

Dean leaned against the wall of bars adjacent to Cas, “Cas, it’s fine. Chuck wasn’t interested.”

“ _Dean.”_

Dean shrugged, “Chuck wanted Sam and me dead, so we offered to play out whatever ending he wanted. In exchange for life on earth and you.”

Cas paled, “You shouldn’t have done that. The world needs you, Dean.”

“There wasn’t a world left, Cas. Chuck left the world empty,” Dean gestured at their surroundings, “Earth was as quiet as this place. Sam, Jack, and I were the only people left.” Dean gave Cas a slight smile, “Earth’s fine now. We defeated Chuck, and everyone has been restored. The only one left to save is you.”

Cas’s posture relaxed, “So we won, humanity has free will.”

Dean smiled, “Yeah, buddy. We’re free.”

Cas closed his eyes and leaned back, “Thank you, knowing my life and death helped save humanity brings me solace.”

They sat there together for a while. Dean silently reveling in the fact that, even though they were both trapped here in the Empty, he had found Cas. 

Dean looked over at Cas sitting silently, eyes closed. Fuck, why does this have to be so hard? he thought, I love Cas. Dean cringed, that phrase just felt _weird._ Like his feelings should be accompanied by bouquets of roses and candlelit dinners and...ugh. But it was true. He loved Cas, in a profound way. An undeniably amazing love that had its roots in a deep friendship. A love that had strengthened over time as their understanding of each other grew and as their commitment to each other had overcome a multitude of obstacles and impossible odds. Why should he give a damn that it wasn't the "right" kind of love? He loved, and he was loved. 

Dean sat up straight, he had fought for the world and free will for fifteen years, and now he finally had a chance to write his own future. He may have no idea where it would lead, but he was done denying what was right in front of him. Resolved, he took a deep breath and turned to Cas.

“Look, Cas,” Dean stated, “There’s something you should know. I know you are in love with me. And I want to reciprocate, but I can’t.”

Cas nodded in acceptance, eyes still closed, “I understand, Dean.”

“No, hear me out.” When Cas straightened and looked at him, Dean continued, “I have never been able to feel romantic love, ever.” Dean rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m aromantic. However, how I feel about you is the closest I’ve ever come to being in love."

“Cas, I never want to lose you again. Being with you makes me feel at peace, happy. I trust you with my life, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and in death, I know you will be in my heaven.” Dean grimaced, “If I make it there,” he added sardonically.

“If you can accept that it will never be romantic love, then building a life with you would be the best thing to ever happen to me.”

***

Castiel stared at Dean, there must have been a misunderstanding, some human turn of phrase he had misinterpreted. He took a deep breath, “You want to be in a relationship, with me?”

Dean nodded, “Look, I know we will have to figure things out, but, yeah.”

Castiel's mind raced, he had been so certain he would never be anything more to Dean than a friend, a brother-in-arms. Dean stating he didn’t feel romantic love wasn’t a revelation. No, what was inexplicable was Dean saying that he, Cas, was the person he never wanted to live without. Dean wanted to build a future _together._ Cas reeled, what had he missed?

Castiel tilted his head, “All those times you said you needed me, it wasn’t in the context of the fact that I was useful to you. It meant something different.”

Dean rubbed his face, Cas noticed him wince as his hands brushed over cuts and bruises, “God, Cas, I never needed you to hang around just because of your powers. I was raised to never need anyone; it was too much of a risk. And the whole ‘I love you’ phrase has so many social connotations that saying it to anyone makes me uncomfortable.” Dean took a deep breath, “So when I said, ‘I need you,’ I meant I care about you more than I can express, and I cannot bear to lose you. It was the closest I could get to saying I – “ Dean met Cas’s gaze, “Cas, I love you.”

Time stopped, he had been wrong, happiness wasn’t just in saying it. It was also in the hearing of it. Castiel beamed, here, trapped, facing an eternity of torture by the Empty, and he had never been happier.

Castiel leaned forward and grasped Dean's left shoulder, “I need you, too, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me sitting down months ago, “Ok, Dean and Cas will have to talk about how they actually love each other”  
> Chapter 12 – Cas – “That’s not Dean”  
> Chapter 13 – Dean – “Ok, but only about how Cas needs to realize how much of an idiot he is.”  
> Chapter 14 – Me – “Stop avoiding talking to each other” Cas – “No.” Dean – “Hell No.”  
> Chapter 15 – Me – “Ok this is it” *Obsidian black form rises from the ground, laughing darkly* Shadow – “Nice try, smart guy. No.”  
> Chapter 16 – Me – “Argh!! Fine, you don’t want to talk! I’m going to lock you in another dungeon until you do.”
> 
> Note: The types of love Dean describes are philia (associated with deep friendship and soulmates) and pragma (longstanding love)  
> 
> 
> Hi wonderful readers!
> 
> Life is getting busy, as you may have noticed from the increased time between chapter posts. As a result, I am taking a 2-month break from posting. I am NOT abandoning this fic, I’ve got the next 2 chapters written, but they’re not quite right yet. I want to be able to maintain storytelling quality and build up my collection of chapters so I can post more consistently. I hope this chapter was a worthy mid-season finale.
> 
> Thank you to every single one of you who reads, kudos, and comments. Especially commenters, you keep me inspired and reading what you write brightens my day. I never thought so many people would like this fic, and I don’t want to disappoint you with rushed writing. You have all been amazing.
> 
> I hope you have a great Aro Week next week!  
> -Spinafex


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